My early childhood was lived in fearful states of anxiety. When is dad or mom coming home? Why are they leaving? The child sits and waits. Tell me now and I understand that dad is in the army many miles away. Mom has taken a job in the city, housecleaning. It is better for me to be with my loving grandparents. That security is soon taken out from under me. My grandmother Julia dies two days after my third birthday of heart problems. My grandfather overtaken by immense grief and no where near to taking care of a small child, let alone a girl. It was at this time that I was sexually abused by someone near to the family. I was five or perhaps 4. This state of mind terrifies me and more so to be threatened with more abuse if I tell. There is no control in my mind to understand this too. To be in the now and to work it out and move on. How does one move on after being subjected to this…at 5.
At 5 we get to play, to run free, to dream, to wish. This was taken from me. Fear replaced all this. At times my stasis would be of comfort when I was in the responsible hands of my dear aunties. They always had my back, in my mind. As I grew and was old enough for grade school it was decided that I would come to the city to live with my mom. Things changed for me. Now I was in the hands of babysitters as my mother went about her day to make a living. The caretakers were young, some old, girls, boys, women, it was always different people. They came in forms of kindness, playfulness, indifferent attitude. One in particular was a 12 year old girl who took a knife to me and backed me up in a corner. The threat had come back. Another was the night my mother stepped out to have a drink with the girls and left me in the hands of a boy. A boy who decide that I should go to bed. A boy who decided to sexually play with me.
Those times do not affect my now. But they did build up my resiliency. My will to live above all this pain. As I have stated before in this story of mine that as children we have the people in charge of our little souls to make sure we are safe and secure. When left to our devices, where do we turn? How does one deal with it? Where do we run when no one believes in us? When we are called liar again and again. We turn inward and then that manifests into something greater then we can deal with. My teenage years I rebelled and ran away. This is number one of the manifestations. She runs. I drank and pushed those memories down. When I got older and was in a relationship that did not suit me, I broke it off as I felt in control. But essentially, was not.
May I say that this has a happy ending. True my life is no where near that end but even I do not know this. My time could come tomorrow, mayhaps this afternoon but I hope not. My life purpose is now true to me and I look forward with zeal and adventure in my heart. There is so much out there for me after all this little girl healing into a grown woman. A woman who knows that she is finally secure, loved, who stands on her own two feet, resilient (love that word) courageous,strong willed and has faith. Life has made me who I am and so proud of it!