Family, Love, Loved Ones

The Accident

I was newly married to a man that not only was loving and respectful but also took my son as his own when the accident happened and fully altered our lives. We had been friends for a few years before he professed his love to me. I was floored and never expected this at all. We dated for two years before he popped the question to me in April 1995 and then I was to hop on a plane along with my son and my fiance to meet his step-father and step-mother in Montreal, Q.C. in August and took our vows on September 16, 1995.   I shall call him Gavin to protect his identity.

Gavin loved his busy life. A self made man he was always making opportunities for him and others. That man had a brilliant mind for business. He also made time for his friends and a usual night was spent with them dining at the finest restaurants here in our city. It was never a dull moment. Travel was always scheduled on a daily or weekly basis. His work/personal time made for interesting trips to the coast or a planned vacation to the states. Sometimes it was on a whim. I would get a call and asked to be ready and waiting in 15 minutes as we making a trip to the west coast. He would pull up on his bike coming in from work and off we would go. Either with a group of people or just us two.  It was that fateful weekend when I was asked to go. It sounded like a good time and then an argument arose. At this pivoting moment I was to re-think my marriage to him. Truly.

August 28, 1997

Gavin was to arise early Thursday morning bike all packed for his week long trip. I, on the other hand was getting reading for work at the bank. My husband and I were not communicating. He did however ask before he walked out the front door if I wanted to go and I declined. He walked out the man I knew and loved. His essence. His personality.

I am at work the next morning and having my coffee before the doors open to the public. All that is on my mind is this man. I cannot function till all is right. But is it really? Will we hit another bump in the road. Can I outlast this? I pick up the phone and place a call to his cell. It goes right to voicemail as he is on the road. I think he will receive my msg and all will be well with us. I apologize..somewhat. I go back to work mode. Today is Friday.

5:00 pm

I am at home after a long day serving the public. Bank work can be demanding as time frames must be embraced. Problems solved.  I would wear different hats all day long. I also have not heard from my husband.  I think that no news is good news. Still.. It is after supper late Friday when I receive a call from Howie who is one of Gavin’s best buddies. Joined at the hip. A good friend to me as well.  Kind, considerate, humorous as he is to his wife Diana who compliments him.  He had made the trip with Gavin to the coast. He tells me that Bill, another close family friend will be coming over to see me in person. I know something is not right as I see Bill walk into my home as I scream into the phone, “Tell me!! Is he dead?? Tell me now Howie!! I need to know!!”

Bill catches me as I fall.

Gavin and another rider had been on the Coquihalla and he was clipped making a lane change at the same time as another vehicle as he was on her blind side. She never seen him. With the speed and momentum his bike slid and he flew 90 feet in the air. They were far from help. They would have to wait. The ambulance that came to his aid was not life supported and they sat on the highway doing what needed to be done in the back to keep him alive as they waited for the full life support system to show. A surgeon who happened on the accident was vacationing from New York state assisted the paramedics and told them that time was of the essence for their patient and directed them to take Gavin quickly to the nearest hospital. The Royal Inland Hospital in Kamloops.

This is the story I hear from my friend long distance. Is he alive? That is the question. Everything is up in the air. He is currently in emergency. They are working on him. That is all the guys know at their end. That is all they can tell me. I need to know that he is alive. Did my husband know that I was sorry. I was full of sorrow. Was he going to die? Oh please God, help me. Oh God help me! Oh God.

 

 

 

Family, Love, Loved Ones

Son

If you only knew how hard it was for me. If you only knew that this decision was made with hours of hours of thinking. I was 17 years when I became pregnant with you. I loved your father. He was so handsome. My heart broke when he left me. Being a single parent had many challenges and there were many. I didn’t know the first thing about mothering. Nothing. No nurturing. I didn’t know what that was. My parents did all they could to help with financial ends and the baby sitting as I worked. Food was put on our table. Sadly though I suffered from debilitating migraines and panic attacks. There would be days that I could not get out of bed and begged for my suffering to be over. You would be picked up and left to stay at mom and dad’s. It would be for a couple of days till I got over the pain in my head and those days turned into a week. The weeks turned into a month at the most.

It was talked about many times by my mother that they would take you to live with them. I didn’t want to. I didn’t. I had loved you so much. You were just learning to walk and find your character. You were so happy. My heart breaks. They came one morning, my step dad and my mom and took all your stuff, your crib, your clothes, your many toys. It was agreed upon that I would have no contact. That is crazy that is how it came to be. I suppose they were afraid I would change my mind and snatch you away. I knew you were in the best possible place but I thought I would be able to see you. It became nasty.  This situation. The last I heard from them is the day I signed over a government check, a tax return and thus that was that. My baby was gone.

I was lost with out you. Lost. The love that I had was not near me. I was alone and on the streets. Truthfully I do not remember that time so well. I do know that I continued to work at the dry cleaners where I excelled. Party was my major thing to look forward to on the weekends. In spite of all what happened I managed to break free of my carefree ways. I was able to become stable and with monies to purchase my first home. This was the home I would provide for me and my second son and to help him grow. It was also a learning time for me. How to parent. It wasn’t easy but I really tried. My second son was to replace the love I had lost in you.

I know your life is not easy. My heart breaks once again. To have you phone me for money again and again and for me to say I could give you none but only wanted you to know how much I loved you. I need you to know this. I want only the good for you. You don’t need the money. Know that.

gaildd
Those carefree days
Family, Gift, Guardian Angel, Love, Loved Ones

The Last Time

I am in the hospital and giving birth to you. I have made the decision  to give you up for adoption. It is by far the hardest thing ever for me to do this but it is the right thing. I have nowhere to go. There is no support. None.

I lay on a stretcher in a quiet room and it is now after the pushing, the noise in the birthing room. I ache. I cry. I lay there and think, “What now?” Have the nurses forgotten me? After a time I am wheeled into a four bed room and the nurses pull the curtain around me for privacy. I cry some more. I hear the other three mothers talking quietly among themselves as they feed their babies. I am to stay here for a week to convalesce. I do what I want and I ask for my child. The nurses ask me if this is a good thing for me to do. I want to hold my daughter in my arms. To remember her sweetness. If I do not do this I know that not doing it will kill me. She is brought to me and still the curtain surrounds my bed with us two in there. A cocoon. I feel safe with her. When I leave I will have nowhere to go. But for now I am safe with her. I stare at her fingers. Her eyelids and I noticed a long blood vessel and I try to memorize what it looks like. This will be the identifying feature when I go searching for her. This is the plan. She is such a good babe. I rarely hear her cry. She is with me almost 24/7. The staff is concerned. The welfare worker is concerned. I tell them not to worry. I will give the baby up for adoption. I will not change my mind. They are concerned for my welfare though. I lie to them. All is well I say to them. All is well. The days pass and I know the countdown comes. I cry when she is not with me. I cry out loud one night that one of the mothers from the other bed comes to me and hugs me tight. I sob more now. A dam that has been broken. I ask her to leave. I will be okay. I am already grieving my girl. Danielle Lise.

The worker comes with the long document and carefully goes through it me to make sure I understand it. I understand more than she knows. I know that Danielle’s parents are in the building waiting. Hoping. Scared that I will change my mind. I am resolute. I will not. I do not. I sign the paper. I have written my baby a letter and it is attached to the document. This document I will not see again until Danielle turns 18. The childish writing of a skinny, scared girl not knowing where she will go in the world. I spend the last hour with my girl and my heart breaks. It breaks. Shatters. Then she is gone. It is fast. The signing of the paper and so soon they take her. She is no longer mine. But I know in my heart she has gone to her mom, the woman who will teach her to love, to know joy, to watch her grow. I cannot think about that anymore as I dress and walk out of the hospital into the day.aha-moment-insight

Author, Family, Heaven, Letters to Heaven, Love, Loved Ones, Medium, Psychic

Sorry

It was that word I was not to understand when I had my own mediumship reading given to me by a mentor. She was bringing in my father and the one word that stuck out was, “Sorry” It took me days to get my “AHA” moment as it is when you go to a session. This word was given to me a few years ago. It was today that I had a heart to heart talk or the start of one with Dad. If you know my story, then you know he passed away in 1986. I asked him why he would leave me when I needed him the most. I remember those phone calls begging him to take me to his house hundreds of miles of away. I begged him.

My family life was shaky at the best of times and I am being nice for there sake. What was it that my own blood took her anger out on me. I will never know. But I found my dad’s number and phoned him, crying to him, to help me. It was not to be. The only times I was allowed to see him were a couple of weeks in the summer time as I was needed at home to babysit my step brothers and sister. If he came to town which was rare I would sit in his hotel room with him. One of those moments stands out as he was staying at the Cecil Hotel. He shows me his bullet wounds. The old scars on his body. He shows me his medals he received. He tells me that when he dies that I will receive those medals.

When he did pass away and I made my way up north, I talked to his sister Margaret and told her as I looked down on dad in his casket dressed in his uniform and wearing the medals that they were promised to me. It was to be presented to me when they buried him in the cold ground that wintry day. The priest put them in my hand. I felt utterly alone.

But the years pass and all I knew of what I felt of my father was the deep love for him, his essence. The word sorry came to me that day in that reading when I realized what he was saying that for. I told myself at that time it was not needed. But indeed it was. So to get back to that conversation with dad. The deep realization that he knew now what has transpired but had deep sorrow for that. “Where were you when I needed you. Where? Did you not believe me when I told you my stories? Did you not know I was the truth teller?”

Well dad the time has come to now truly forgive you. To let go. This has all come to pass and for all those experiences my body, mind and spirit took I am the better person for it. I only wish you were here physically by my side. You would be 93 though. And I am glad to have heard that word. It means so much to me now.

Much love and huge hugs and lots of kisses to you Dad!

Family, Guardian Angel, Letters to Heaven, Love, Loved Ones, Story Teller

Grief

It starts as a rip.

It is subtle.  It is to the core. This madness. This, I would do anything to have you back, once again. I would do anything for a do over. Please. Are you listening?

I want, I desire to hear your voice again, your laughter, your wisdom, your touch..your touch. Do you hear me? I cry. I cry again. I miss you like you don’t know. I cry until my eyes hurt. I cry to my inner soul in so much anguish.

And it passes.

I laugh. Did you just make me laugh? I thought of something that you did. You know, that mannerism of grabbing your chin and your tongue pops out and you would grab my chubby hand and make me tug your ear and your tongue would pop back again. Crazy.

Thank you..spirit.

Heaven, Letters to Heaven, Love, Loved Ones, Story Teller

Forgive & Move On

I wake from a dream. It is Colin from the past. He is smiling and shows his love to me as he kisses me. Many years have gone by and I know in my heart he has passed on. I receive his visitations of sorrow and also validations of our life and his dreams. Anyone that abuses has themselves been abused in some form or other. He could never look in the mirror and see truth. I would say positive and he would reply negative. Nothing was good enough. He was not enough. Our relationship was loving at first but stress and a child not your own adds pressure. The yelling and threats followed. But I stayed. I was to overcome though when he threatened to take my house that I bought. I stood up to him.

I could never forgive him and I had my story about him that I told to others. On and on that went. Soon though that energy lessened as I met another man I was to marry. Colin stopped visiting my home and my son. I was not to see him again. It was about two years ago when I started receiving those visitations I spoke of before. His grandmother would be saying he was okay and Colin would be in the background on a ocean oilfield, a dream he always wanted to do. I forgive him now as all the experiences I gained from that time. I stood up to him and with that my boundaries grew stronger. I was standing in my power. My part of this was communication and saying no to the b.s.

I now love the dreams that come in of him and I smile this morning. He looked young and so happy as he smiled at me. I thank you for coming and saying hello spirit!

Gift, Guardian Angel, Intuition, Love, Medium, Psychic

Who Knew..

Who knew that when I let go all would work out to be the way it is. Let it Be. I look back on the fear that permeated my being by saying no to encouraging my growth. Being stuck in Anxietyville was the only thing I knew and believe it or not felt safe. To go beyond meant facing something that I could not endure in that space and time. I look now on the peace and freedom my life brings me and I shake my head at those fear based thoughts. Look at me all tied in knots, afraid of her own shadow and bites the hearts of those that would reach out with her harsh words to keep them at bay. Yes, I was that person. “Give me my space!” I demanded. Did anyone have a clue what I was going through. Man, I was a mess. Hahahaha. If I could I would go up to the former Gail and say, “Hey slow down, give yourself a break, do not give into the demands of life and go easy on yourself. Know that the Universe has your back.”

Five years ago or maybe more I was encouraged to attend class for psychic development. Omg, my mind went south to heck in a hand basket. Ego decided to hitch a ride and give it to me full blast. “You do not have what it takes, you will fail. It will be too much work. You are not intuitive, quit kidding yourself.” Yes, this was my cheerleading section in my mind. Ego was having a party and I was the only attendee. Slowly I came around with baby steps and being in a relationship at that time had a bit of encouragement to try it out. More and more I came out of my shell. Made new friends, trusted them with my heart and talked of things that interested me and they knew what I was going through. This was my tribe. I had finally found them.  This tribe consisted of women that had similar stories to mine. They had seen stuff happen around them that no other could see. They day dreamed a lot. Too much so that they were accused of living in another world. To be accused of being a liar crushes a young person’s spirit and deny’s them there truth. Know this.

Today you will see a vibrant, empowered, say it like it is, take charge of my own life kind of woman. Meditation is what centered me. Starting that off was such an endurance test but I passed it. Having made attempts to try it but not finishing a session only made me want to overcome it. Instead of pushing myself to sit in silence for 15 minutes I then went on Youtube and found a great guided meditation by Naomi Nonu-Carling called “Angel Contact” and started off with a minute. I came out of that psyched and ready to move on to add more minutes. So in one day I meditated for a whole hour, again starting off with that one golden minute. Today when I have a session with a client I actually bring them into meditation for a minute or three to show them how easy it is, starting with breathe. Telling them to push out those thoughts with your breathe. Steady one’s mind. Surprised looks are the norm when they come out and how it took for minutes to go by.

If I can do anything to help a person go beyond where they are now and if this is through a reading then I have fulfilled my purpose.