Love

I Got To Be Me!

I had a nervous breakdown in February 6, 2006. This was my last day of work in a fast paced job as a bank teller. There were aspects of it that I loved but the hurry hurry got to me. Add to this my panic attacks and I was heading down the road to being a car wreck that we can’t help but look at. My relationship with my then husband also was stacked on that pile and this too was to change.

May I say that staying at home was like heaven as I stayed in my room, my safe place for long periods of time. Everything had come to a standstill, no talking to friends, no going out for fear of having a full out panic attack happen, no loud noises as that brought on anxiety and that meant no big crowds. The memory loss was part of the deal, something that I did not ask for and did not know about until my doctor and husband pointed it out. People would come up to me and I wouldn’t have a clue as to who they were like we were meeting for the first time. I know now that it would appear that I was being stand offish but that couldn’t be further from the truth. This still happens to me even now but I have my tactics to get by and usually call everyone my friend, dear or sweetie.

Back then in the early period of that time was a living hell. I knew that deep down there was more to me than the lamp that sat next to me on the night stand or the man that came home from work to my home and fought with me. My gift still was there inside of me and if anything that it came out more as I was paying attention. I was in the now state. I was starting to see things outside of me which disturbed and left me unsettled without any guidance from anyone. The typhoon that ripped apart the Philippines later in the year had come to me in a dream the week before it happened. I could see many people in the water and they were very frightened beyond belief with arms reaching out, screaming, yelling for help. I awoke from that nightmare and cried to my husband, “What am I to do with this? I have no idea what I am suppose to do with this.”  Newspapers had there headlines boldly written out about the devastation overseas and the one image I seen as I read the articles was the one that I had seen in my dream.

My life has changed exponentially as I have embraced my new life without the husband, now ex but have a new man in my life.  My gifts have been developed and finely tuned with guidance of teachers and the panic attacks might come around but I have that under control with meditation, eating and sleeping well. And the memory bank might let out something once in a while and I treasure it and I say, I know that! I was there. I remember!!” It’s pretty cool when that happens and I feel like part of the crowd instead of the one saying, “I don’t know, I don’t know what you’re talking about” and feeling left out. Or having a person I haven’t seen in a long while say loudly, “You remember, try!! You remember, you were there!” and clearly I don’t and I don’t try to pretend just to get by.  New life, new girl, new outlook and I love it all!

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